Secret documents reveal carboloading scam
In an astonishing development a corporate insider's shocking revelation has led to the indictment of the long time owners of the powerful Barilla Company. Paolo, Luca and Guido Barilla were led away in handcuffs on Friday from corporate headquarters in Parma, Italy with a team of lawyers flanking them on all sides. The Barilla brothers are fourth generation owners of the world's largest pasta company with annual sales of well over 500 million dollars. In addition to pasta products, Barilla is also a leading producer of a variety of carbohydrate-rich foodstuffs including breads and other wheat-based products.
The Barilla brothers are charged with perpetrating a fraud on the marathon running community by "influencing" clinical studies from an assortment of worldwide food-testing laboratories. The Barillas allegedly "forcibly manipulated" test results that had clearly shown a lack of clinical evidence that running endurance was improved after ingestion of pasta products. The new evidence flies in the face of the well-accepted practice of carboloading that has become a pre-race staple for millions of marathoners worldwide. Investigators allege that the Barillas had "threatened great bodily harm" to frightened carbohydrate researchers and that bribes of over ten millions dollars were paid out in an attempt to subdue any adverse test results.
"There is not even a single study that shows runners who carbohydrate-load have improved racing performance", said a government protected and former Barilla employee known only as "Deep Spaghetti". "I participated in numerous board meetings where it became clearly evident that the Barilla brothers had known about the findings for decades. As the years went on, I personally shredded hundreds of documents for the Barillas. Most of the studies actually showed that pasta hurt the runners because they gained weight after eating plate after plate of pasta. We actually turned those little, skinny runners into slow running fatties!" he admitted painfully. "At one point I was even called upon to become the 'bag man' that delivered a suitcase full of money to researchers in a Milan laboratory. If the money wasn't accepted I was instructed to 'crush their skulls like dried macaroni'. But when I realized the depravity of my actions, I couldn't even look in the mirror and I turned myself in. God help me!" he cried in a plaintive voice.
Barilla lawyers wasted little time in formulating a counterattack to the allegations. "I have no doubt that the Barilla brothers will be exonerated from these egregious claims", said attorney Ferdinando DeMarco. "I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Barillas had no knowledge of the charges made against them. In fact, I believe that it is their long time corporate rival, American Italian Pasta Company that is behind this attack on the character of the great Barilla name. It is a known fact that their rival will stoop to any length to defeat the stranglehold the Barilla brothers have on pasta production. We shall win this Noodle War!" he shouted to a roomful of media.
"They can say what they will", said Deep Spaghetti when informed of DeMarco's words. "But I was there and I know what I did for Barilla. I think I owe runners across the world an apology for my actions. I only hope they can forgive me".
Marathon race officials from New York, Rotterdam and London are expected to meet in Brussels to discuss the ramifications of the information. They have tentatively agreed to place the traditional pre-race pasta parties temporarily on hold until the charges have been more fully investigated.
|The Perfect Bunion - A satirical look at running in the United States of America and beyond.|
JOIN THE WORLDWIDE RUNNING NETWORK
ePodismo.com | WorldwideRunning.com | RunningCalendar.com | HalfMarathon.net | MarathonCoupons.com | RoadRacingStats.com | OlympicGamesMarathon.com | DeadRunnersSociety.com | Ultramaratona.it | VerticalRunning.it | CorrereNelDeserto.com | TuttoMaratona.com | RunningInItaly.com | Run100Days.com | 5kCalendar.com | JohnBingham.com | TeamPenguin.com | CourageToStart.com | PenguinBrigade.com | AccidentalAthlete.com