Hugh Hefner swears off sex!

In an astounding turn about, legendary "Playboy" magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, has quit sex cold turkey after he discovered a new passion. "My doctor said my cholesterol was too high and that I should take up walking" explained the publishing icon. "So I started to use the treadmill for a mile a day. Before I knew it I was up to five miles every morning and I couldn't get enough. I even started to hit the hills of Hollywood for a slow jog just before dinner".

"It's true" said recently evicted Miss March, Pamela Topkins. "Hef started taking more interest in how warm and cushioned his running shoes felt on his feet than spending time with me and the other girls in the Jacuzzi. It seemed that every time he could go a mile longer on the roads, he'd cut back on our 'fun time' until he wouldn't do it at all. Ohhh, I just hate all that running!" she said as she packed up all her belongings into her yellow Volkswagen Beetle.

Mr. Hefner was unapologetic when he heard of her complaints. "I found out what I was missing by spending my whole day with a bed full of playmates. They may all have been as soft as biscuits and smelled like strawberry jam, but they can't stack up to a good ten-miler. I'm just glad I found out about running before it was too late".

Hefner's resolve was nearly palpable and he wasted no time in succinctly summarizing his future plans. "I'm gonna open up a running store in downtown Burbank and then I'm going to buy out Runner's World. Hefner has already registered for next months "Rock'n'roll Marathon" where he will attempt to wrestle the title from a bevy of foreign competitors. "They better be ready… it's go time" he said as he pulled the laces of his track spikes tight before embarking on a solitary session of speedwork. "I think by then I'll be more than ready to kick a little Kenyan ass".

 The Perfect Bunion - A satirical look at running in the United States of America and beyond.

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