Spam addiction overpowers runner
Long-time vegetarian and marathon runner Sally Pierce has vanquished many foes in her sterling competitive career, but it is a ten-ounce piece of meat-based product that currently holds the upper hand. Spam, the long-time favorite of both rich and poor alike, has derailed her training and for now put her racing career on hold.
"I had only eaten meat a few times in the last decade," explained the portly Pierce. "And when I had meat it was usually just part of a salad. I barely even knew what Spam was until last year when I ran a race in Austin, Minnesota that was sponsored by the Hormel Corporation. When I won the race in record time they awarded me a years supply of the stuff," she said as she dabbed at her eyes. "It wasn't until then that the madness started."
Pierce went on to recount the horrors that gradually engulfed her formerly waiflike frame. "I ballooned from 98 pounds all the way up to 155 because of Spam. I couldn't get enough of the stuff. I ate it on crackers and fried it up with my eggs. I ate Spam breakfast bagels and Spam hot'n'cheesy party dip at lunch. I scarfed down breaded and deep fried Spam for dinner and ate Spam finger wraps for a late night snack," she said in bated breath. "I got so fat my thighs rubbed together when I ran. I watched myself turn into a complete pig!"
World-renowned Spamologist, Roscoe Milkweed, said he often heard of the same plight. "The 'Spam Effect' as I like to call it, seems to hit young and formerly thin women of European descent the hardest. In fact in modern day Croatia there is almost whole cities of young girls with the very same affliction. The girls there are called 'La Carcus' which in translation means something akin to 'The Whale'." He paused to collect his thoughts for a moment as his anger began to slowly boil over. "I think Hormel knows about the whole sad state of affairs and they just choose to ignore the problem. Damn corporate profit takers!"
Pierce has just finished her stint at the Ron Jeremy Diet Clinic where she confronted her obsession and started to shed some of the excess weight she had accumulated over the past twelve months. "I think I'll make it," she said through grit teeth. "I'll just have to avoid the processed meat aisle in the grocery store. And you can be sure if I ever race again that I'll take the cash prize over anything edible."
One hopes the former champion can avoid a relapse and return to her former state of running glory. She has slowly stepped up her training in the hopes that she will be able to finish next months "Moon Pie 5K" where she will be returning to the site of her previous road victory.
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