18 things to replace toilet paper while out running

Gather round runner brothers and runner sisters, for the following is some of the most important advice you will ever receive. What we are about to impart is, without a doubt, critical life-saving information that could some day get you literally and figuratively out of some sticky situation. Runners throughout time have faced this emergency. If you haven't yet, biology guarantees you will end up in this situation one day - the mid-run, sudden and unexpected need for a toilet. Not a wee stop. The other kind.

If you are in luck, a public loo is within a kilometre or less, because that's about as far as you are going to be able to hold it. For all other situations, your luck has deserted you and you have now got only two concerns in your life. The first is finding your "spot". The second, which is often overlooked in the haste to find a spot, is what to substitute in for the lack of toilet paper.

You are going to need some "Bear" Grylls outdoor, immediate innovation to make it through this one. To help you come into the situation pre-armed with ideas, we have put together this extensive list of toilet paper substitutes.

1. Your sock(s). Yes, that is what the weird "lost sock" you keep spotting out in isolated areas during your runs was used for...

2. Any other piece of clothing i.e. hat, shirt, shorts, underwear. Rip a sleeve off. Later you can claim you were attacked by a horde of goats.

3. The biggest leaf you can find... or leaves. A classic solution. Very effective.

4. The smoothest stick (or branch) you can find. Something similar to a wide broom handle should work. Mind the splinters.

5. Roadkill. Fresh is best. It just makes sense.

6. A lovely flowing river or the ocean. Nature's bidet.

7. A puddle. You can keep your selfie of that one.

8. Good clumps of grass. Sand running? You are screwed.

9. If you happen to see a parent and baby chances are they will have wet wipes. Desperation will outweigh your pride.

10. Your hand (if you are really desperate). Ew.

11. Nice soft ground. Do that thing dogs do when they have an itchy butt. It's worth a try.

12. A random house, if you ask really politely. Again, your pride is already dead.

13. Napkins, if you are running past a restaurant. Perhaps beg the use of their toilet first.

14. A live animal, e.g. goat if you can catch them. The chase might take your mind of the current emergency for a while too.

15. A gel or energy bar wrapper. We question the effectiveness, and shudder at the thought of cleaning gel or gu from bum hairs.

16. Find a rubbish bin, take your pick. I have actually seen this more than once and each time the scavenger was rewarded with unused napkins from takeaway dishes.

17. Napkins scavenged from takeaway rubbish. As per number 16, this has been seen and proven as an effective get out of gaol free card.

18. Use your phone to locate the nearest public toilet, or you could order pizza and use the pizza box. Clench. Clench hard and wait.

Credits - would like to thank the website Functional Running for the permission to reprint the article "18 Things to Replace Toilet Paper While Out Running" by Isaac Walker and William Lind.

Since September 7, 2007 - © Aerostato, Seattle - All Rights Reserved.

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